The Why Returns

All these years later, I still can’t watch videos of him. I’m so thankful to have them, but it still hurts too badly. I was looking for something on my YouTube and just had to click on this one. I couldn’t listen through to the end, but wanted to share it.
So many emotions come to the surface as I let it take me back to that time, however briefly. The biggest one is the heartbreak that little girl has endured. Her Daddy was her person and they were as tight as a dad and daughter could be.
I stopped asking, the why question a long time ago. I came to realize that I will just never know the answer to that on this side of heaven. But today, as I watched this briefly, that question hit my heart again like a ton of bricks.
Why did my kids lose their dad at such young ages? Their lives have been so incredibly hard as a result. Why did they get robbed of having that man in their lives? They needed him. They still need him.
I remind myself again that I just won’t know that answer and let myself feel the heartbreak and anger. I will again give those feelings over to God and ask Him to bring peace to my heart.
Just needed to let it out a little bit today.

Jonathan & Brenna

Published by Joni Roberts

Gotta love the 'About Me' sections of everything. I feel like I'm either in a one sided interview or trying to create a dating profile. "I like starry nights and long walks on the beach" Ha! All jokes aside, it is necessary to share your story. Especially in a place like this where you hope to reach people through your struggles. So here goes everything... Hi everyone 👋🏼 Grief is a journey, an ever changing and painful process. It can isolate you and make you feel more lonely than one could ever imagine. That is why I write and share my story. We need support. We need people that "get it." We need each other. I was married to the love of my life, just shy of 13 years. We went to school together, known him since elementary. He was my "boyfriend" in 5th grade. I even wrote "Joni Roberts" in my notebooks and cheered for him when he played basketball at recess 😂 We came back together when we went to the prom, as friends, our senior year in high school. That was in 1997. We started dating seriously in the summer of 1998. He asked me to be his wife in February of 1999. We said "I do" on October 2nd of the same year. We had our first child in October of 2000, our son. We had our daughter, 22 months later in August of 2002. In the time we were married, we went through more than most could go through in a lifetime. We never gave up on each other. In June of 2012, he and I were in a horrible car accident that claimed his life. In an instant, my entire world was shattered, leaving me a grieving single mother of two grieving children who are now teenagers. I'm walking day by day through life without the one that would be with me forever. I would have never imagined that this is where I would be in my life at 41 years old. But, I am doing everything I can to be strong and to take this grief and use it to fuel the purpose for the rest of my days here on earth. ONE. DAY. AT. A. TIME. Today: I am in the waiting room for my first neurologist appointment. It is in the same office as my surgeon from the accident. I'm sitting here remembering myself horribly hurt and in a wheelchair and I'm overwhelmed with feelings but mostly reflecting on how far I've come. I love and miss my best friend every single day. I'm positive that won't change until we are together again. I am choosing to try and live my life in a way that would honor him and make him proud. Living With Purpose.

4 thoughts on “The Why Returns

  1. Beautiful video your children will be grateful for this in time to come. Grieving does not seem to get easier as time goes on. My Father passed away 30 years ago just before Christmas every year the pain of missing him is more real. Around his anniversary I spend much time speaking to his spirit and remember the past and talk a little of the future. Remember Jon your husband is only a thought away from you and always at your side. Your bond was a good one. You were lucky to have real love in your life. The loss is great as the love stretches throughout the Universal Consciousness. Bless you Joni.

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  2. Reblogged this on Notes and commented:
    With a heavy heart I watched your late husband’s video singing in Church alongwith your daughter. He is in a place where you will join him too. We are all going to die one fine day. Consider yourself for having found eternal love. There are many unlucky like myself in this world who, despite their best efforts, have not found any love and probably will die unloved one fine day. Seeing your story gives me a hope that there is a love like yourself out there for someone like me who will also grieve me like you are grieving your hubby. Love you and your beautiful kids. He is in heaven because of your love, I assure you 🙂

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      1. Bless you too Joni..you have a strong soul that shows through this temporary body of yours on Earth where not many can talk this openly about their grief. Stay strong! 🌹

        Liked by 1 person

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