Feeling Guilty For Grieving

Posted byJoni RobertsPosted inGrief, Healing, Hurt and Pain, Learning to Live, LossTags:, , , , , ,

Did you know that the majority of people who have lost a loved one are made to feel guilty about their grief?

Did you know that someone grieving often isolates themselves, disconnects from people, because they feel misunderstood?

Unfortunately, a loved one left behind will often suffer in silence because they have been told:

It’s time to move on.

Aren’t you over this yet?

You need to stop dwelling on this.

It’s been long enough, it’s time to let go.

Aren’t you ready to get on with your life yet?

Or, some of my favorites:

He’s in a better place.

Time heals all wounds.

God needed another angel.

Everything happens for a reason.

Although, some of these things are said with the best of intentions, let me make this clear, they just aren’t helpful! At all!

We didn’t lose something that can be replaced. We lost a person. For a lot of us, this person was an every day part of our lives for many years. This isn’t something you just “get over.”

You are missed

You were special

You were beautiful

You were important

You are not forgotten

Your life had meaning

You were so very loved

You are more than a memory

~Joni ♥️ Grief to Life

Grief is a very personal thing and it is unique to each Individual person. There is a long and painful process you have to go through in order to learn to live without a person that meant so much to them. The path they have to walk isn’t going to look the same as it will for someone else. We have to work at finding our way in a new life that was not chosen or planned.

So, wherever they are on their journey…

Don’t judge. Don’t tell them what to do. Don’t tell them how they should feel. Because let me assure you, those things will hinder their grief process, it certainly won’t help it.

Be there. Be patient. Encourage them to talk about how they feel. Love them right where they are. Repeat.

For those of you who have lost an important part of your life, your loved one…

Take all the time you need. Don’t feel guilty for feeling however you feel at any point on your journey. Those that don’t understand, unfortunately, will someday. This is your life. Nobody is walking this road for you. Do it your way! And lastly; acknowledging, feeling, and expressing your emotions is an important and extremely critical part of the grief journey. Without that, you remain bound and unable to grow and work towards emotional and spiritual health. Yet, it’s one of the most difficult things to do, for many reasons.

For me, I have found that writing is my best outlet. It’s my therapy and where God most often speaks to my heart. I encourage you to seek out the way that best let’s you feel and express your emotions. It’s crucial. xoxo Joni ❤️

 

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Published by Joni Roberts

Gotta love the 'About Me' sections of everything. I feel like I'm either in a one sided interview or trying to create a dating profile. "I like starry nights and long walks on the beach" Ha! All jokes aside, it is necessary to share your story. Especially in a place like this where you hope to reach people through your struggles. So here goes everything... Hi everyone 👋🏼 Grief is a journey, an ever changing and painful process. It can isolate you and make you feel more lonely than one could ever imagine. That is why I write and share my story. We need support. We need people that "get it." We need each other. I was married to the love of my life, just shy of 13 years. We went to school together, known him since elementary. He was my "boyfriend" in 5th grade. I even wrote "Joni Roberts" in my notebooks and cheered for him when he played basketball at recess 😂 We came back together when we went to the prom, as friends, our senior year in high school. That was in 1997. We started dating seriously in the summer of 1998. He asked me to be his wife in February of 1999. We said "I do" on October 2nd of the same year. We had our first child in October of 2000, our son. We had our daughter, 22 months later in August of 2002. In the time we were married, we went through more than most could go through in a lifetime. We never gave up on each other. In June of 2012, he and I were in a horrible car accident that claimed his life. In an instant, my entire world was shattered, leaving me a grieving single mother of two grieving children who are now teenagers. I'm walking day by day through life without the one that would be with me forever. I would have never imagined that this is where I would be in my life at 41 years old. But, I am doing everything I can to be strong and to take this grief and use it to fuel the purpose for the rest of my days here on earth. ONE. DAY. AT. A. TIME. Today: I am in the waiting room for my first neurologist appointment. It is in the same office as my surgeon from the accident. I'm sitting here remembering myself horribly hurt and in a wheelchair and I'm overwhelmed with feelings but mostly reflecting on how far I've come. I love and miss my best friend every single day. I'm positive that won't change until we are together again. I am choosing to try and live my life in a way that would honor him and make him proud. Living With Purpose.

75 thoughts on “Feeling Guilty For Grieving”

  1. What a beautiful post👍🏼👏🏻Loosing some one dear to us is the worst loss than anything else in this world.It really takes lot of time and courage to accept and move on in life……Thanks for your blog it’s very well written 💕💕

    Liked by 6 people

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  4. Our culture doesn’t know how to deal with deal with grief very gracefully or mindfully, or even with loss in general. I found a great book: “It’s OK that you’re not OK”, by Megan Devine. Wishing you a good week.

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  5. There’s a person-shaped hole in your life. It’s never going to be filled. The edges might smoothe out but you’ll never forget. Your life iis defined as ‘with them’ and ‘after them’ The ‘after them’ version of you is a new, changed person. That’s just how it is.

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  6. Wow, this is just beautiful. I just forwarded your post to a dear cousin who is in physical and emotional pain and will deeply appreciate your words. In addition, when I was nine years old, I lost my mother and grandmother in an accident. Everyone told me to move on, to brush the whole incident under the rug. It took me forever to finally understand when we are grieving, if we are given the gift of TIME, that is the healer.

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    1. Thank you so much for taking the time to read and for your kind words. I am so glad that you connected with this post. I’ve told you before, but I am so incredibly sorry that you have had to endure such losses. You are one that will truly get what I was saying in my post. Hugs to you, my new friend 💕

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  8. My dear Joni

    Your words have touched me and filled my eyes with tears. To lose someone we have love, even for many years and suddenly the beloved one disappears from our life, feels like a broken heart – memories return and return but do not bring the beloved one back into our life – it is the pain out of separation – words may not really help, maybe a voiceless hug, compassion from heart to heart, to tell you: you are not alone, you are important still for many other people, “far and near”, you are loved and God is always with us, is living in our hearts. Why things happen as they happen are not in our hands, we cannot control it – the only thing we can do to let us fall completely into our trust and faith into God who knows why things happen as they happen and when they happen. Behind everything there is a reason which we cannot follow and understand with our limited intellect. But surely this One power knows it – if we surrender entirely in trust and faith to Him, then even this pain of separation from our beloved partner, friend or relative will turn into a sigh of our heart with our love and trust towards God, to lessen our deep pain. The more we love God and have trust in Him the less our pain. I am with you, my dear friend. A hug of understanding and compassion for you.
    Didi

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    1. Thank you so much for your kind and heartfelt words, I receive each one. You, my friend, are a blessing and I’m thankful to have connected with you here. 💕

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      1. Thank you, my dear Joni – we all are children of God, sisters and brothers in Him, then we should also treat us all as brothers and sister and I am happy that you are my blogging friend too as you have a good heart as I can feel.

        Hugs
        yours friend
        Didi

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  9. Dear.. your words are beautiful..
    we will not take intelligent decisions when we are in sad mood rather angry..and it will be perfectly fine if we are waiting and take decisions..and the same with grief and missing..if we wait patiently the supreme power will extend his hand to heal it.

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  12. Joni, your blog helps me understand what our son has been going thru. Losing someone you love is so difficult no matter their age. My mom just passed away 3 days after she turned 91 3 weeks ago. I miss her so. Your blog is a blessing to so many, thank you Joni! Linda

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    1. I am so sorry about the loss of your Mom. I’ve been praying for you. I’m sure that you miss her terribly. You’re right, no matter their age, how long they were in our lives, etc… Navigating life while dealing with the pain of separation is so incredibly difficult. I hope you truly take the time you need to deal with the loss of your Mom, however you need to. Thank you so much for reading and for your kind and encouraging words. 💕

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  13. Reblogged this on Something to Stu Over and commented:
    Yes, yes and yes. One thing I have learned journeying with a dear friend who lost her son, several years ago, is that each person grieves differently and that there is no set time limit for the grieving process.

    Please do not rush this. Allow them to grieve in their own way and at their own pace. Would you want to walk in their shoes? I think not…

    Liked by 3 people

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  14. Yes Joni, I do. I praise God for allowing the chance to walk beside her, love her, listen to her, be a sounding board and a shoulder to cry on or I would be like most with the whole “you should be over that by now”. Yeah…it doesn’t work like that. God doesn’t work like that.

    You are very welcome for the reblog. I’m honored to 🙂

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  15. Thanks Joni for this post. My dear friend has recently lost her husband and she is in a different continent…I can’t be by her side in her grief. Just praying n directing all the positivity towards her…..Your thoughts are very helpful.

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    1. That’s all you can do! Feel free to connect her with me and I can give her some direction on some really awesome support groups online.

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        1. Absolutely! It will be extremely beneficial for her to connect with people who have gone through the same thing that she is going to be going through.

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  16. I have never thought the grief you feel after loosing someone should have a time limit.. the people who say this then are either never lost someone dear to them or just have no empathy . Never feel guilty of your feelings … hugs girl💕

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  17. This is so good! Grief is extremely personal and each persons walk through it is going to be completely different. You definitely have the gift of writing and I imagine it’s very therapeutic for you! Keep sharing! My outlet is getting outside and doing something active! I used to often feel selfish when I did it, and still do at times, but I realize how helpful it is for me. I also know it ultimately makes me a better parent to my kids. Thank you for your honest writing!! ❤️

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    1. Exactly. Parents, especially “only” parents, need to make sure to carve time out that is just for them. And you should never feel guilty about that. 💙

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  21. Thanks for sharing!… one cannot know and feel love until one has known a heartache… 🙂

    “When one door of happiness closes, another opens; but often we look so long at the closed door that we do not see the one which has been opened for us. ” Alexander Graham Bell

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  23. Thank you Joni for another excellent post. It appears to me that so many people feel the need to say something when they are with someone who just lost a loved one, so any number of words are said. Probably if some of the people realized after what they actually said, they would feel bad.
    I particularly “like” your list of “favourites”. It would be a real stretch to imagine how they would help or console someone who is grieving.
    Again, your advice is right on, “Take as much time as you need for grieving.” Everyone is different, different makeup, different emotional system.
    God Bless you Joni.

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    1. I am so incredibly sorry about your son. Yes, most definitely take as much time as you need. I think what most people don’t understand is that you will always grieve that person. You don’t get over it, you get through it. Hugs 🤗

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  25. People thought I was overdoing it.
    They said its a cycle of life, it will happen to all of us.
    GET over it.
    No… No, I will never completely get over it.
    A part of my life, my heart and soul will cling on.
    Stubbornly, I loved, I lost and the loving was beautiful and miraculous.
    I say, take your time, hug yourself and when you cant do that, invest in a warm blanket for when you need the warmth, silence and solitude that your memories bring.
    I send a hug.
    Love from Kavita in Sunshiny South Africa.

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  26. Joni… You are blessed by the God dear to write and inspire people who have lost hope.
    Your thought – We have to work at finding our way in a new life that was not chosen or planned. will always give me inspiration at every stage of life to move on. Keep Writing and Inspiring others !!☺

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  27. it’s hard to comprehend what’s inside but yes, writing it out can sometimes ease the pain. slowly day by day , process the pain. I lost my first love when he move to another country and when we finally connected, i lost him completely. He just passed away a week ago.

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  28. Amen! When in doubt, just hug.
    A teen in our youth group died in a car crash some years ago. The kids were writing notes to her parents, and one of them came up to me with this “great idea.” She asked, “Where does it say ‘All things work together for good …’?” She stood poised, pen in hand, ready to write it down. I tried to tell her that this wasn’t a good time to quote that verse, but I’m not sure she was convinced. (I knew where it was, but pretended I didn’t. :/ I hope God forgave me for that deception.)

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