Deciding Pain Away

So many well intentioned people will give you advice based on the thought that you can simply make a choice to not grieve. As someone who has been walking a painful road for almost 6 years, let me tell you, we really do wish it was that easy.

Can you choose happiness? Yes, I believe you can. That being said though; I can wake up in the morning and choose to be happy, but that does not make the pain go away. The cause of the pain, the root of the emotions, is still there.

You must walk through it.

Now, how long does it take? That’s just it; it is different for everyone. Loss and the journey to healing is so very personal. We all deal in our own way. Some don’t deal at all and therefore, their path is going look very different from someone who is feeling their way through.

So please, for the love of God, don’t try to rush someone through their pain. Love them. Show compassion. Be there. They will find their way to healing.

Lastly, healing doesn’t mean the void is gone. It means that they have finally learned to live. They have finally come to a place of acceptance of the pain and can move forward, hopefully, using it as the fuel that drives them to live a life full of purpose.

“Pain, you just have to ride it out, hope it goes away on its own, Hope that the wound that caused it heals. There are no solutions, no easy answers, you just have to breathe deep and wait for it to subside. Most of the time pain can be managed but sometimes, the pain gets you where you least expect it. Hits way below the belt and doesn’t let up. Pain, you just have to fight through, Because the truth is you can’t out run it. And life always makes more.” Meredith Grey

Published by Joni Roberts

Gotta love the 'About Me' sections of everything. I feel like I'm either in a one sided interview or trying to create a dating profile. "I like starry nights and long walks on the beach" Ha! All jokes aside, it is necessary to share your story. Especially in a place like this where you hope to reach people through your struggles. So here goes everything... Hi everyone πŸ‘‹πŸΌ Grief is a journey, an ever changing and painful process. It can isolate you and make you feel more lonely than one could ever imagine. That is why I write and share my story. We need support. We need people that "get it." We need each other. I was married to the love of my life, just shy of 13 years. We went to school together, known him since elementary. He was my "boyfriend" in 5th grade. I even wrote "Joni Roberts" in my notebooks and cheered for him when he played basketball at recess πŸ˜‚ We came back together when we went to the prom, as friends, our senior year in high school. That was in 1997. We started dating seriously in the summer of 1998. He asked me to be his wife in February of 1999. We said "I do" on October 2nd of the same year. We had our first child in October of 2000, our son. We had our daughter, 22 months later in August of 2002. In the time we were married, we went through more than most could go through in a lifetime. We never gave up on each other. In June of 2012, he and I were in a horrible car accident that claimed his life. In an instant, my entire world was shattered, leaving me a grieving single mother of two grieving children who are now teenagers. I'm walking day by day through life without the one that would be with me forever. I would have never imagined that this is where I would be in my life at 41 years old. But, I am doing everything I can to be strong and to take this grief and use it to fuel the purpose for the rest of my days here on earth. ONE. DAY. AT. A. TIME. Today: I am in the waiting room for my first neurologist appointment. It is in the same office as my surgeon from the accident. I'm sitting here remembering myself horribly hurt and in a wheelchair and I'm overwhelmed with feelings but mostly reflecting on how far I've come. I love and miss my best friend every single day. I'm positive that won't change until we are together again. I am choosing to try and live my life in a way that would honor him and make him proud. Living With Purpose.

55 thoughts on “Deciding Pain Away

  1. Well said. The experience with my own grief is also that the processing takes as much time as it needs. There is no β€œfix”, you can only carry it, give it a place in your life. My dad died when I was still young. I still miss him, but it’s not a gaping hole.

    Liked by 2 people

  2. That’s so true. It’s so frustrating when don’t actually understand our pain but expect us to just wake up and like I’m so happy and that there’s nothing wrong. It felt good read you post, to get to know that there’s someone who actually understands. Keep writing!😊 πŸ’•

    Liked by 4 people

  3. So true and I wish more people would realize this! My friend, Angie, who lost her son several years ago STILL has people saying that she should be over her grief by now. Aggravates me so much. I’m like yeah…ok…do you want to walk in her shoes for a while.

    Great word for anyone who is grieving the loss of a loved one or someone who knows one who is grieving.

    Liked by 3 people

    1. That hurts my heart for your friend! It is my hope that understanding, although it can’t be achieved until someone has to walk the path on their own, will grow as we work at giving it a voice. Thank you.

      Liked by 1 person

  4. Thanks for sharing… everyone will witness it at some point in their life… πŸ™‚

    “When one door of happiness closes, another opens; but often we look so long at the closed door that we do not see the one which has been opened for us. ” Alexander Graham Bell

    Liked by 5 people

  5. So touching…so real! I asked one lady who had lost a son how she dealt with the pain of loss and she said, “You just have to feel it. If you bury it, it is still there.” So yes, we all grieve differently, but we all grieve. And the best way out of it is through it. Thanks so much for the post.

    Liked by 2 people

      1. It did. I was thinking, Grief is like a forest. There is a path through it we all have to travel, but we all travel at our own speed. Some travel straight through the forest, while others stop and rest and take it one step at a time. Some stay in the forest and never get all the way through it. You my friend will one day come out on the other side. Much love to you!

        Liked by 2 people

  6. The point you make is so true about having to walk through itβ€”if we ignore and deny our grief, it’s just going to come out somewhere else down the road, maybe as a health problem. It’s no fun to be in it but we really need to give it the time it needs. Well said.

    Liked by 3 people

  7. I’ve found you can make the choice not to grieve, but that isn’t quite enough. Personally, I’ve had to take it one or two steps further. First I’ve had to forgive the person that caused the pain, and second, I’ve had to give the pain to Yeshua/Jesus to deal with.

    The former doesn’t make me forget what happened to me, nor do I forget what kind of a person harmed me in the first place. Forgiveness simply lets me release whatever it is that is driving emotions and pain within my own psyche. It’s not hurting the perpetrator anymore. It’s hurting me by holding on to it. So I need to forgive and release. In that way I can forget it as part of my everyday experience.

    The second point is the supernatural one though. When I give it to Yeshua/Jesus it is able to be cleansed. I won’t go into detail about how spirits work in holding pain in our souls or how they are removed in this transaction, but I will say that if we exercise a little faith, this works. I’ve overcome all past pain that I can think of through this method.

    Love your quote at the end.

    Light and peace!


    1. I totally get what you are saying! I’m actually going through the process of forgiving and letting go as it relates to those that have hurt me.
      My points on choice are more geared to the void left as a result of losing a loved one. That is something that I can’t just choose to not feel. Well, I can, but it doesn’t go away.
      Thanks so much for your perspective on hurt and forgiveness. πŸ’—

      Liked by 1 person

  8. I tell others that grief is chronic pain. One must learn to manage it, not be done with it. Like getting your back hurt and having life long problems. Grief is more like that than a sprained ankle. Nice job. Hugs.

    Liked by 1 person

  9. Love this. Especially the thoughts about how it’s different for every person. It is personal and unique. Don’t compare yourself to others, walk your walk and you’ll get through it. One step at a time. ❀️❀️❀️

    Liked by 1 person

  10. No one can “rush” another along. I had family who were “so frustrated” with me, for not being over my grief, five months after my wife passed. My grief took what it took, as yours IS. Let no one interfere with that process. ❀

    Liked by 1 person

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